I guess you could refer to this as an emo post, so there’s your warning ahead of time. If you choose to read on, no refunds.
I had a breakdown tonight while Skyping with Tyler. Just out of the blue, while in the middle of talking to him, I started crying, and it took me about ten, fifteen minutes to control myself and regulate my breathing enough in order to calm down.
This happens every so often, though I’m never sure exactly why or what triggers it. If I had to hazard a guess I would say it’s simply the compounded stress of financial aid at school, work and making sure i have enough money to survive week to week, and the wretchedly slow countdown to moving-to-Alabama time.
I can’t stand that I have to wait as long as I do to move. Five months and a few weeks have to pass before it happens. And before that happens I have to figure out a way to pay for it.
My biggest fear, between now and then, is that something devastating happening to either of us before we had a chance. It’s the writer’s cliche rearing its ugly head–the cliche that tragedy befalls the star-crossed lovers before they have a chance for their happily ever after. Well, the tornadoes struck last week in ‘bama, and for a few anxious hours I was scared out of my mind that it had actually happened.
It’s not healthy for me to be worried about that sort of thing–I realize this. But I’m also not used to having to wait such a long time to do something I want to do. Or, that when there is something I have to wait a long time for, I get things taken care of in advance.
Money = reservations for the moving gear and a plane ticket for Tyler to come down on moving week and drive me and my things to my new life. Money isn’t forthcoming with the speed and efficiency it is supposed to, and therein lies my stress. What if it doesn’t come in time? What if it doesn’t come at all? What ifs are the bane of my existence.
And every week that passes where I can’t get a little bit ahead and get those reservations made makes me worried that September will change to October and I will still be here, stuck where I don’t want to be, and forced to be away from my love even further.
I just need something to change for a positive turn of events, soon. Til then, I’m just waiting.
And I guess, suppressing my emotions until they cause me an unexpected breakdown. Sigh.