the customer’s brain is what’s liquidated

Yesterday was my first official day working at the liquidation sale at the bookstore. For the most part it was okay, even considering the absolute wreck the store was left in after we herded the cattle out. The co-workers were great; we joked and laughed through the seemingly endless hours of checking and pointing people in the general locations of things (we can no longer search for specific items).

The one thing that really annoys me, however, is how the very mention of a sale makes people’s brains and common sense totally check out for.

“Is this one on sale?”

It’s a liquidation sale, you incredibly idiotic piece of lint, EVERYTHING is on sale.

“I’d like to change this book out for this one.”

I’m sorry, ma’am, no exchanges, all sales are final.

“But it’s the same title, just a different size.”

No exchanges, all sales are final.

“They’re the same price.”

*Pointing to the black-and-yellow sign behind my shoulder* All sales are final.

I’ve found that the repeating myself to the point of roboticism, however annoying, becomes entertaining as the person trying to get their way gets increasingly frustrated. Case in point: Late in the night we had a guy buy a Dallas Mavs book which was displayed alongside a Sports Illustrated souvenir issue.

The important thing to keep in mind for this: Sports books are currently 20% off; all magazines are 40%. Also keep in mind that under no circumstances are we going to change prices. That made this exchange with the guy’s bitchy girlfriend all the more entertaining for me.

“We’d like to know why this magazine is 20% off and this one is 40%.”

Because that one is actually a book, as indicated by the sticker we place on books, and it is 20% off.

“But they’re in the magazine section.”

It’s a book, it’s 20% off.

“There’s stacks of them in the magazine section.”

It’s a book, it’s 20% off.

“STACKS of them in MAGAZINES.”

It’s a book, it’s 20% off.

“Do you have a manager?”

Yes, I do. She’s going to say ‘It’s a book, it’s 20% off.’

“You guys are just sad because you all are losing your jobs.”

Be that as it may, it’s a book, and it’s 20% off. Thank you for your concern, have a good night. NEXT!

…and the skankily-facepainted woman stormed off, with her completely unaffected boyfriend close behind.

I think I’ve found my key to getting through this: I’ll call it the I-Don’t-Give-a-Shit-Anymore Repetitive Response Method.

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